Tip #2: Bring Joy
More than once, I have been told by a person who has cancer that they hate going out in public with their chemo-bald head because any fun that is being had seems to stop as soon as others see them. They learn to hate the looks of pity and sadness thrown their way. One patient said, “Yeah, I’m dying, but only a little faster than the rest of you people! I want to have a good time too!”
Of course it’s true that, depending on the moment and the situation, a person who is dying might be more prone to certain, more unpleasant emotions. The people around a dying person also tend to be more prone to those unpleasant emotions. Hang around the hospital room of a dying person for very long and you’ll know this to be true. Lot’s of somber people being all somber, feeling pity, and wearing it on their somber faces. Understandable.
And sometimes appropriate. However, it isn’t always appropriate and it isn’t always what’s needed for someone who is dying. Because, maybe you haven’t given much thought to it, but people who are dying actually continue to have capacity for the full spectrum of human emotion. Sadness, fear, worry sure. But also joy, pride, love!
Tip #2 - Bring joy with you. Since a sick or dying person may be more prone to grief, sadness, or fear, they probably don’t need you to bring those with you. Besides, I bet every other person who has come to visit them brought pity with them. So, instead, start with a position of joy. It doesn’t take much to find this shift within yourself. It’s really nothing more than treating this person who you love and value as you always have. They are, afterall, still the person that you love and value.
Think of it like a party. They already have, like, seven vegetable trays. Bring a little beer! The beer is like joy, happiness, even silliness in this analogy. You don’t have to over do it. No need to bring a keg. But a six pack will be a welcome relief for someone drowning in crudites.
Follow the analogy? What I’m saying here is no need to be somber and sad all the time with a dying person. A smile, a joke, a fun story can go a long way in helping a sick or dying person to feel like a person. And often, what a dying person wants most of all is to find a little normal in the midst of chaos. Their world has been turned upside down. The story of their life suddenly has an ending that they didn’t choose. The dying person, like almost everyone, is searching for something that feels safe and normal. If you can show up and show them that your relationship to them doesn’t need to change just because they’re dying, your relationship can be that safe, normal thing that reminds them and grounds them in who they are.
At the very least, if you bring joy with you, it will be a good palette cleanser, from all the other somber visitors that bring fear, sadness, and pity.
Bring Joy.
