Tip #1: Don’t Get The Tissues

“People have said, ‘Don’t cry’ to other people for years and years, and all it has ever meant is, ‘I’m too uncomfortable when you show your feelings. Don’t cry.’ I’d rather have them say, ‘Go ahead and cry. I’m here to be with you.’”

• Mr Fred Rogers

This first tip comes directly from one of my mentors as a chaplain. I was early on in my chaplaincy training and I was presenting a case. It’s called a verbatim, because I was supposed to write exactly what happened and what was said for my supervisor and peers to hear and critique. I don’t remember exactly what the verbatim was about, but I definitely know what it became about. 

I described this conversation I had with a patient and at some point the patient started crying and I wrote that I walked across the room and got tissues for the patient. Of course, I was so proud of myself for being so attentive to what was happening and so caring, attending to the needs of the patient. But I don’t think my supervisor said anything about any of the words I said. All he said was, “Why did you get the tissues?”

I had just finished reading what I had assumed would be a masterful demonstration of my potential as a chaplain, and the only thing he commented on was getting the tissues? Well, sir, I got the tissues because she was crying. Maybe you didn’t hear me say that. Oh, but he had heard.

He went on to interrogate me about my inability to sit with someone’s emotion without doing something to fix it. 

Look, I get it. You want to do something. When someone who is grieving, or especially when someone who is dying starts to cry, it’s a helpless feeling. It’s uncomfortable and you want to do something, anything to make this moment go away or to take away the difficulty of the feeling for the person who is crying. The thing is, you might be able to break the moment by getting tissue, it might help you feel better to do something, but it doesn’t help the sick person. Because while you’re uncomfortable with the moment, they’re uncomfortable with reality. 

When we leave the moment to get the tissues, it says, “Getting those tears off your face is more important than anything else.” It says, “The most uncomfortable thing for me right now is that you’re crying.” 

When we stay in the moment, it says, “Nothing is more important than staying with you in this difficult time.” It says, “You have the right to cry, and it won’t scare me away. I can see your pain, and I can’t fix it, but I won’t run away.” 

Instead of leaving the uncomfortable moment, I’d challenge you to leave the tissues where they are, and stay in the moment. Bear witness to the emotion. You don’t have to tell them it’s okay, when you show them it’s okay by just allowing it to be as it is. I promise you, tears on cheeks aren't nearly as uncomfortable as being left alone with an emotion that nobody will acknowledge. And as my mentor and over a decade of experience has taught me, if they need a tissue, they’ll ask for it. 

So, don’t get the tissues, that’s about you. It’s about you trying to get rid of an emotion that needs to be expressed. Instead bear witness to the emotion, that’s about them. Sit there, let them get it out, and let it hit you like a truck. 

Note: Every now and then someone will cry hard and get snot all over themselves. Get the tissues then.