Is this for you? Or for them?

Often, when I’m talking with patients and families, they’ll say or do something that leaves me feeling awkward or uncomfortable, or even worse, helpless. 

They’ll say something as simple as, “This isn’t fair!” and then sit there silently. 

…

…

And then the silence starts to weigh on me and I want to respond or do something. I want to make the awkwardness and helplessness go away. 

One of my mentors in chaplaincy training told me that often, when I start having a strong feeling in response to something the patient has said or done, it is simply a mirror. The thing the patient said or did came out of an emotion that they themselves are feeling, and in turn that action or those words evoke the same emotion in me. So, when a patient says something that sparks a feeling of hopelessness in me, they are often feeling hopeless as well. This means, 1) that I’m doing a good job of paying attention to what’s happening and 2) I have a better chance of understanding what the patient is feeling. 

But, the desire to make my feeling of hopelessness go away isn’t the thing to pay attention to here, because I’m not here to attend to my feelings. Plus, this isn’t REALLY my feeling. This is an emotion borrowed from the sick person. And THAT is really what I’m here to attend to. 

Jumping in with words (or tissues) is a way to make me feel better. It’s tending to my own emotions. Platitudes and explanations might get rid of my bad feelings, but they do not attend to the sick person’s feelings. So when they say, “This isn’t fair,” I feel helpless and say something like “Well, God works in mysterious ways and his ways are higher than ours.” I can pat myself on the back and alleviate my helplessness. But when I leave, the sick person will be left feeling helpless. 

So, Tip #3 is: Always ask yourself, “Am I doing this for me or for them? Am I helping myself feel better? Or is this really going to help them?” 

This requires a pretty high level of awareness and personal honesty. It has taken me a lot of years of practice to be able to sort through the feelings I’m having and be able to separate them from what is happening with the person I’m visiting. I’m certainly not a master, but I’m learning and I have a couple of tips about how to keep yourself emotionally clean during a visit. Read on, dear reader. Future posts will dive into this.

But if you make a practice of paying attention to who’s emotions you’re tending to, you will have a better chance of tending to the emotions of the sick person and not necessarily your own. The practice is to turn to self inquiry when you have a strong emotional reaction, rather than simply attending to your reaction first. 

Another tip along these lines is that (tip #3.5) there is no need to fix anything. Tending to the emotions of someone is not the same as fixing or even changing the emotions they’re having. In fact, much like tears, it is often the job of the companion to make the space that nobody else will make. Allow the emotions that nobody else can handle. Sit with them. Contemplate them. Ask for more of them. When nobody else will sit still and experience the emotions of a dying person, the companion calmly, peacefully invites them to show what they’ve been carrying around. 

And that is a gift that you can give, even when you can’t fix anything.